Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Is this happening? Part 1

found out I was pregnant for the second time in July of 2012. We were thrilled! It was the end of what felt like a very long road (little did we know). My husband and I decided the previous fall it was time to try to have another baby. With our son, I got pregnant quickly. So this time I was hopeful for the same. But, after 6 months with no success and increasing frustration I headed to the doctor (I have always had slightly irregular cycles and was a few months away from turning 35 so after 6 months my OB/GYN, Dr. S, wanted to see us and talk). I had an ultrasound and blood work. All seemed well. We just needed a little help. So we started Clomid and hoped for the best. It took two cycles but the Clomid worked. I was pregnant!! Looking back on it now it really was just the blink of an eye, but when we were living those 8 months of trying to get pregnant it felt like an eternity. 

We expected a pregnancy just like my first. I felt the same as I had the first time - nauseous, tired, and grouchy. 

I saw Dr. S at 6 weeks to confirm and then at 8 weeks for an ultrasound and all was well. So far this pregnancy really was exactly like my first. About two weeks later was our son's third birthday and all of our family was coming. We decided to share our news at his party. Everyone was so excited for us!! 

After the party two more weeks passed uneventfully. I was actually starting to feel a little bit better. The nausea was fading (yay!) and I had more energy. I was feeling better much sooner than I did with our son and was exited about that. Both families knew and we started telling other close friends and co-workers. It wasn't "Facebook official", but word was spreading that I was pregnant. 

Then it was time for our 12 week appointment. The night before I woke up in the middle of the night after having a dream that my doctor couldn't find a heartbeat. It was one of those dreams you wake up from and cannot move and it takes a minute to figure out it was just a dream. I tried my best to push it away. It was just a dream....not real. 

The next day at my appointment, the dream I had became very real. I was lying on the examination table and Dr. S was desperately searching for a heartbeat.  But there was nothing. My heart started pounding. She looked at me, grabbed my hand, helped me sit up and said we needed to go across the hall for an ultrasound. I was only 12 weeks and sometimes it is hard to hear heartbeat with a Doppler. Let's just check. She was sure everything was OK. I really wanted to believe her. 

The next five minutes seemed to take forever. My husband and I walked in the room and I climbed up on the table. I was shaking. He stood right next to me as the sonographer was getting set up. She happened to have a student with her that day and asked me if I would mind if the student scanned me first. Sure, no problem.

Then the image was on the screen and I knew immediately. I reached for my husband's hand and squeezed as hard as I could manage. My eyes never moved from the screen. 

The sonographer quickly moved in, took over from the student and with just a look at her, the student left the room to go find Dr. S. In a flash they were back and Dr. S was asking questions. They were studying the image on the screen and I was just trying to breathe. This was not happening. 

A moment later the attention turned back to my husband and me. The look on Dr. S's face instantly told me how sorry she was and how much she hurt for us. She hugged me and then started talking. I was 12 weeks, a D&C was the best option. I could schedule it before I left. It was near the end of the week and just before a holiday weekend so it may be a few days before they could do it. I couldn't process anything and just asked her if I could call the next morning to schedule. 

I never let go of my husband's hand. He stood right next to me and just held on. 

We sat for a few minutes in the room after everyone walked out. We both needed to gather ourselves and figure out how to move forward. I needed a few minutes as we had to walk out of the office and through the hospital. Both of us were crying. Then all I could think was I needed my mom. She is a nurse at the hospital and works with women who have high risk pregnancies. She was working that day and I needed to find her. My husband called her and tried very hard to not let on what had happened. We headed toward the perinatal center where she was working. 

As soon as I saw her walking down the hall toward us I started to cry again. The emotion was too much. None of it seemed real. I felt numb. I could not make any sense out of what was happening. 

We sat with my mom for a few minutes and just talked. I told her exactly what happened at my appointment. She was concerned it was going to be almost a week before my D&C, but I really didn't have any control over that and wouldn't know for sure until the next day when I talked to the scheduler at Dr. S's office. I did not feel any better after talking to my mom, the emotions were so raw. But talking to her helped me calm down a little and I could actually start to focus and start to process what was happening. 

After we talked to my mom we had to turn our attention back to life. We had to pick up our son from preschool, we had to eat something (which really was not a high priority for me - my appetite was completely gone) and both of us just wanted to be home. So we left the hospital and tried to focus on anything else but the fact that we lost our baby. 

The next few days were just so odd. Life continued for our family, because it had to. It was a holiday weekend and we had days off of work, a birthday party to attend for one of my son's friends, errands to run. I also felt an immediate need to keep everything as normal as possible for our then 3 year old son. He had no idea what was happening and I intended to keep it that way. 

My first loss was diagnosed on a Wednesday afternoon. At the time I had no physical symptoms of miscarriage and really hoped it would stay that way....even though I really had no idea what to expect. Because of the holiday, I ended up not scheduled for my D&C until the following Tuesday morning. So, we set off into the long weekend just hoping the time passed quickly. 

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