Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Is this happening? Part 2

I woke up the Thursday morning after being told we told we lost our baby to my then 3 year old son crying in his bed at 5am. My husband and I ran into his room and he was on fire. Fever. He had been fighting off a cold for a few days and we knew this was coming. Every cold he ever had turned into a sinus infection so we were not surprised. I headed to the kitchen to grab the Tylenol and discovered we were out. Ok - Walgreens run at 5am it is.

As I climbed into my car a few minutes later one thought crossed my mind. While I definitely did not want my kiddo to be sick, maybe it was the universe's way of giving me something else to think about, worry about and focus on that day. And maybe it was a way of protecting me from being home by myself all day. 

After I returned with the Tylenol, the three of us settled in for an unexpected day at home. My husband stayed home to help with our son and take him to the doctor. I was so grateful he stayed home. While of course I would have been just fine with our sick kiddo by myself, it was nice to have my husband there to help. Emotionally I felt very unstable and was still determined to keep everything as normal as possible for our son. 

Later, I had to call Dr. S's doctor's office to schedule my D&C. I was nervous about it. I spent most of the evening before researching the procedure. It's easy, it's common, it's quick. I knew all of that. But I was still nervous. And it was most likely going to be 5 days until I was scheduled and that felt like forever. 

By the end of that day, I was scheduled for my D&C the following Tuesday morning. My son was feeling better as long as his fever stayed away. And we all really enjoyed a quiet family day at home. 

The next day was going to be more normal. My husband had to go to work. It was Friday. My son's preschool was closed due to the upcoming holiday so I was home with him again and we had some errands to run. His fever was gone and the antibiotics he got the day before were going to take hold son as start clearing up his sinus infection. So we all got up and set out on our day which went smoothly. We got all of our errands run despite the rain, had lunch with my Dad and Grandmother and just hung out. I was feeling well, no real physical signs of miscarriage. Just the emotional ones. I tried to stay busy and focus on anything and everything else. 

That evening we ended up at my parent's house for dinner. At some point in the evening I discovered I was starting to spot. I stopped to think about if we had not had a doctor's appointment earlier that week our evening would have been so much different. But, because we knew what was going on, there really was no need to worry or panic. This was expected. Although I was not so sure I was ready for it to start happening when my D&C was still four days away.

I told my husband and my mom and we just sort of went on about our evening. Looking back I am definitely glad we had already had a miscarriage diagnosis so there was no need to panic. 

Saturday morning my husband, son and I got up and it was still raining. We live in the Midwest, but the remnants of a tropical storm that had made landfall in Louisiana had slowly made their way north and we were in for a very wet rest of the day. We were headed to a birthday party for one of my son's classmates and then had errands to run. My doctor's office sometimes has Saturday hours so I decided I would call that morning just to make sure there was nothing else they wanted me to do or watch for since I was now bleeding. Not much, but still bleeding. However, it was a holiday weekend and they were not open. So I decided just to wait. Nothing was really wrong, I still had virtually no pain so no reason to worry or change the plan. If anything changed I could always call the exchange. 

Saturday night was a different story. As my husband and I sat on the couch watching a movie I realized my pain was increasing. I could not sit still or find a comfortable position. I was having very regular, very painful cramps. It kept up for a few hours and then stopped. As I got ready for bed that night I realized I felt better. I hoped I would at least be able to get some sleep. 

The next morning I woke up very early to the same regular cramping, but it was much more intense than the night before. I got up and moved to the couch to try to find some relief. This continued through the morning. I was bleeding more and the intense cramping was coming and going. It would last for an hour or so at a time and then I would get a break. 

I made several deliberate decisions that morning. I didn't eat. Something in the back of my mind told me I was headed to the hospital that day. I took a shower. I honestly didn't want to. I was tired and in pain and laying on the couch, curled up in a ball was comfortable. But I made myself because I knew it would make me feel a little better. 

By the late morning I had enough. The pain was more intense and I just didn't want to do it any more. It was still more than 48 hours until I was scheduled for my D&C and the thought of ensuring this pain and possibly passing our baby at home was too much for me. I was done. 

I called the exchange for Dr. S's office. 

There are four doctors in the practice. All four of them are fantastic physicians and I trust all of them to take amazing care of me. Two of the doctors I know well. I had been a patient of Dr. S for almost 10 years at this point. Dr. D happened to be on-call when our son was born and did my c-section. 

The guy who took my call to the exchange said Dr. D is on call today. I was so relieved. I knew him. He knew me. And come to find out he already knew what was going on because he ran into my mom at the hospital a couple of days prior and she told him. He told me later he kind of expected to hear from me sometime that weekend. 

The decision was made to head to the hospital and have a D&C that afternoon. It was going to be over soon. And I was looking forward to that. 

We called my brother-in-law and asked him to come over and watch our kiddo who was napping. As soon as he got to our house, my husband and I left for the hospital. I checked in at the ER and we waited. After a blood draw, a thousand questions and a very painful IV, I was taken back to a room. My parents came to be with us and support my husband while I was in the OR. 

Dr. D came to see me. I honestly had not seen him since my son's delivery a little more than three years prior. But, I was instantly at ease. I was still in pain, but knew I was in good hands and this would all be over least the physical part. 

Soon after I was being wheeled to the OR. We got to the point where I had to say goodbye to my husband. When the doors opened to the hallway where we parted, Dr. D was standing just on the other side. As they started pushing me down the hall, he grabbed my hand and walked right next to me. Then, once we got to the OR he stayed right next to me, kept ahold of my hand and we just talked while the nurses got everything ready. I will never forget that. I just focused on his hand and our chit-chat. It helped me relax. Soon they were ready and the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. It was over.

After my procedure and when I was sufficiently awake, I was discharged and my husband and I headed home. I felt better, physically. But, it had been a long day. I was exhausted. It was late.  I could physically heal. The emotional healing was going to take a little while, but Dr. D said he believed we would be able to try again soon and that was reassuring to us. A plan for the future. 

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