Monday, July 13, 2015

Keep going.

So we were now a couple who had two consecutive miscarriages. That seemed unbelievable. But, we had a plan. And I was determined to stick to our plan and keep going. I was so ready to get past all of this, get pregnant, stay pregnant and complete our family.

October came and it was time to start trying again. We were only going to try for two months before taking another break as my husband was scheduled to have major foot surgery right before Thanksgiving and we did not want to be in the middle of fertility cycles and have him recovering from surgery and the holidays in full swing all at the same time (yikes! stress!). 

I will be honest and say I felt a little pressure. I knew if we didn't get pregnant during the next two cycles, chances were it would be at least 6 months before we started fertility cycles again. Not that we ever stop trying to get pregnant. But our chances are much slimmer without fertility meds. 

But, we knew what worked and the next two cycles were like this: 

October cycle: Ok. I honestly don't remember the specifics. I took Femara again and followed all of the same steps we had in previous cycles. I do remember having good left side follicles which was encouraging. However, negative test. Not this month. 

November cycle: More of the same.  Femara again. Good, really good, left side follicles. There were high fives and fist bumps in the Dr. D's office again. We were all hopeful. But pregnancy test was negative. I was crushed. And it was time for our break and hubby's foot surgery. 

My husband had a calcaneal osteotomy the day before Thanksgiving, 2013. (Basically, they broke his heel bone and moved it to correct an alignment issue). It was a big deal. He had a ton of pain. He was in splints and casts and on crutches for almost two months. And in a boot for so much longer than that. It was the holidays and we had a ton going on. Our son was four and VERY excited about Christmas! We turned our attention to getting my husband literally back on his feet and focusing on the holidays and our family. 

We pulled off an amazing Christmas for our 4 year old. Seeing it through his eyes was the best gift ever! 

Shortly after the new year, I was in the kitchen one afternoon and all of the sudden realized I did not feel very well. It passed quickly and I kind of brushed it off. It was weird, but very familiar all at the same time. 

A couple of days and a few more waves of nausea later, I stopped at Target and bought a pregnancy test. I truly did not think I was pregnant, but that is also a defense mechanism I have so I do not get my hopes up. It had also been 35 days since my last period. I generally have long cycles, but even for me this was starting to be too long. 

The next morning I took the test and it was INSTANTLY positive! I could hardly contain myself! I ran out of the bathroom and told my husband. Both of us were ecstatic!! And my very first thought was......we did this on our own with no fertility help......this one was meant to be! 

We practically ran to Dr. D's office. He wanted to see me immediately. Blood tests confirmed.....I was pregnant and things looked good! He started me on progesterone just to be safe and I was scheduled for an ultrasound just over a week later. 

Everyone was elated! I felt terrible, which was a good sign. The nausea and exhaustion set in very quickly. And after two losses, I was grateful for it. They always say, the sicker you are the better (although for me, I have been super nauseous with all of my pregnancies so......). 

Soon it was ultrasound time! I was SO excited! The baby looked great. Size was perfect. Heartbeat was perfect. Everything was perfect. I was just past 7 weeks and life was good. There were nerves for sure, but I had a good feeling. Everyone did. The one thing I kept holding on to was we did this without fertility treatments......maybe it was the one. 

At 10 weeks I had another appointment and ultrasound. All was perfect! We even got to as the baby move a little on the ultrasound. I cried. It was amazing! Doc said he was happy with where I was and how things were going. I was mostly out of the woods as my chances of miscarriage after 10 weeks were so very slim. He wanted to see me again in 4 weeks. I really wanted to come back sooner, but he said there was really no reason. Ok. 4 weeks it is. (Of course I know I can always call if anything is wrong). 

One week later, at 11 weeks, I got an appointment reminder for my annual exam with Dr. D that I had scheduled months prior and completely forgotten about. Ha! Well, guess I didn't have to wait 4 weeks! All was still well. He scanned me again simply because I was in the office and he could. Baby looked great, heartbeat was perfect! Three more weeks and we would be all the way out of the woods and well into my second trimester. 

Then, at 13 weeks and 4 days, my world stopped. 

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Am I amazing?

Over the last several years I have been told many, many times how amazing I am.

“Sarah, you are SO amazing. I don’t think I could ever go through what you have been through.” 

Amazing. Quite a compliment, and I take it as such.  And I know those who tell me I am amazing mean it in the best way possible.

But am I amazing? Has what I have been through made me amazing? I'm not so sure. Or at least not sure I want to be known as amazing because of what I have been through. Losing four babies sucks. 

What about strong? I am told that often as are such a strong person......Am I strong? I suppose. I am still standing four pregnancy losses later. I am still standing a year and a half into an endometriosis diagnosis that has ended our journey to have a second child. I am still smiling. I don't always feel strong. But I suppose I am. I have made it through all of this so far. I keep going. I have to keep going. 

Our journey has changed who I am. It has made me a stronger woman. It has made me a more compassionate person. It has made me more aware of my emotions, my limits, and my love for my family. It has taught me the importance of enjoying all of life's moments, because you never know what will happen next.

And maybe, it has made me amazing (although I'm still not sure about that one.)