Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Knocked down.....Again.

I don't want to feel like my body is working against me anymore. It sucks. Every time I turn around and think we are finally going to get somewhere and maybe, just maybe, start moving toward having another baby again - BOOM - knocked right down. 

It's like my body says "Nope. Not this time. Sorry." And then maniacally laughs at me. 

Now, maybe that is a little dramatic. Maybe it isn't. But it is the honest truth about how I feel almost all of the time. 

I was recently diagnosed with an ovarian cyst. Fine. No big deal. Happens all of the time in lots and lots of women. Doc said it would probably go away. It isn't small, but we decided to just watch it and see what happens. No one, including me, really wants Dr. D to have to operate on me again. But, it didn't go away. It didn't get bigger, but it didn't get smaller either. And upon closer review it is likely an endometrioma. And it's got to go. 

Unfortunately due to Dr. D's schedule, the hospital's schedule and my schedule, surgery cannot happen for 6 weeks. I get it. Schedules are busy/full. My surgery is not life threatening. I can wait. It's really no big deal. No, I don't feel great. Yes, I really want to feel better and get back to normal. But it's ok. I can wait. 

But there is a part of me that really feels like it is a big deal. I want this thing out of me and I want it out sooner than later. For me the sooner it is out, the sooner we will know if or how we can proceed with the main objective here. 

And I am scared. 

I am scared of what Dr. D will find when he goes in to remove the cyst. Will he have to remove my ovary? Oh yeah, it is my left ovary which - I know I haven't gotten to this yet - but is on the only "fully operational" side I have. 

I'm scared of what he will tell me are our options for trying to get pregnant after. 

I'm scared I won't be able to get pregnant after. 

But I have been knocked down before and I always get back up. For me, there is no other option but to get back up. I have the most amazing doctor and I know he is looking out for me. We will figure it out. 

It's just going to be 6 weeks until we can.