Keep Going.....Part 2

March 17, 2014. St. Patrick's Day. It was a Monday and was really just a regular Monday for us. Work, school, dinner, dishes, stuff. It could not have been a more normal day.

For about a week prior to this day I had started feeling what I believed were little flutters. I was SO excited!! After two losses I could feel the little baby that was moving around in my belly. I remember texting my husband and telling him how much I loved that feeling. 

So after dinner and dishes and some laundry and a couple of phone calls to start planning a big family vacation we were going to take in the summer (and try to plan around my late summer due date), the evening was winding down. My husband was getting our son in the bathtub and starting the bedtime process   (and yes, many nights it is a process!). I finished what I was doing and went to finally change out of my work clothes. I realized I was spotting. 

Absolute panic set in. 

My heart started racing, I had to calm myself down and try to hold it together so I could figure out if it was real and try to focus on what I needed to do. 

For anyone who is pregnant, spotting is terrifying. For someone who has had two prior miscarriages, spotting is your worst nightmare multiplied by 10,000. It was all I could do to keep myself pulled together and upright. 

I got my husband's attention and he joined me in our room. I told him what was happening and that I really didn't know what to do. I did know what to do, but nothing seemed real at that moment and I was incapable of making a decision. He told me to take a deep breath and call my Mom. She would at least help refocus me and help calm me down. 

After talking to my Mom for a couple of minutes I then called the exchange to Dr. D's office. Then I had to wait for him to call me back. I do not remember how long it took, and I don't think it took very long, but it felt like an eternity. 

Dr. D finally called (seriously, it really only took a few minutes....maybe 10 for him to call me back) and we decided, because of my history, the best thing to do was to go to the hospital to be checked out. Make sure the baby was OK and see what was going on. Several times he said to me......Sarah, you are 13 weeks and 4 days, I know we don't feel 100% comfortable with this pregnancy yet, but hang in there. We will figure this out. 

So then it was off to the hospital. After I got off of the phone with Dr. D, I called my Mom back. My Dad was coming to our house to sit with our son, who we went ahead and put to bed like nothing was was wrong. My Mom was going to meet us at the hospital. 

As soon as my Dad arrived, my husband and I left. It was a very quiet drive. Neither one of us knew exactly what to say. It was cold, it was dark and we were both scared. There really was nothing to say.

We arrived at the hospital and walked into the Maternity Welcome Center as directed. My Mom was there waiting for us. It was quiet and I was quickly taken back to be admitted and taken to a room. Once I was settled they told me someone would be in shortly to check on the baby. My heart was racing. My blood pressure was out of control. Trying to keep calm was useless. But I was trying. 

Soon someone walked in my room to take my medical history and check on the baby. She started asking medical history questions and I was quickly annoyed. I know she was just doing her job and why all of those questions are important, but I wanted to know what was going on. Can't we do the medical history part later????? When she was done she then came over and tried to locate a heartbeat with a Doppler. She tried and tried and tried. I panicked and panicked and panicked. I looked over at my husband who was sitting next to the bed and my eyes pleaded with him to make this not real. We had been here before. 

She tried and tried and tried. It got to the point where I just wanted her to stop trying. I needed an ultrasound and I needed it now. She finally stopped and said she would send in the nurse to scan me. 

It wasn't more than a couple of minutes and a nurse walked in to scan me. I knew her. She was a friend of my Mom's and we had met before. That helped a little. But my anxiety level was still increasing. I just wanted to know. She started to scan me and I knew almost immediately. I could see the screen and very easily make out the baby, and there was no heartbeat. I was completely numb. I just looked at my husband and again wanted this to not be real. 

The nurse left for a second and then came back with my Mom, who had been patiently waiting outside. She knew what was going on. They both looked at the ultrasound images again. There was nothing. It was over. My mom stayed with us for a few minutes while my nurse went to call Dr. D. 

It was late, almost 11:00. All of the sudden I was exhausted. I didn't want to move, I didn't want to do anything. My husband moved over and sat on the bed with me. I laid my head on his shoulder and we were both very quiet for a long time. Neither of us could believe we were here again. It almost seemed impossible. 

Our quiet was interrupted by my nurse who came back in to say Dr. D wanted to see us in the office first thing the next morning. He said to call his nurse early and she would get me in before his other appointments for the day. 

I was numb. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I couldn't move. I just sat on the bed, held on to my husband and stared. It was over. The pregnancy we thought was finally the one. I was almost 14 weeks. What the hell????? 

After a little time passed, we started pulling ourselves together so we could just go home. It was late. We were both exhausted. And I was sure I wasn't going to sleep, but I wanted to be home in my own bed. 

I don't really remember the drive home. It was quiet. There still wasn't much to say. Disbelief and shock had taken ahold of us both. I spent the second half of our 20 minute drive home steeling myself to see my Dad. He was at our house with our sleeping kiddo. I knew seeing him would bring the tears I was trying to stop. And he hates it when I cry. Funny how in the midst of this unbelievable thing, my only concern at that moment was not upsetting my Dad. 

We got home. I held it together. It was after midnight so my Dad didn't stay long. We headed to bed. 

I was sure I wouldn't sleep. My mind was racing. I curled up next to my husband and closed my eyes. To my surprise, after what seemed like only a few minutes I opened them again and it was morning. It was Tuesday. Our son had school and my husband was going to work for a little while. I got up so I could shower and get ready. I knew Dr. D's nurse would be in at 7:30 and I was going to call her as soon as I could. 

Soon, everyone was gone and the house was quiet. I had to make two phone calls. One to the nurse and the other to my boss. At 7:45 I called Dr. D's office. His nurse answered quickly and already knew what was going on. She said we should come in at 9:00. I had time only to finish getting ready and call my boss.

Not having time to sit around and think is always the option I prefer. Keeping busy, especially at first, is what I do. I know it is really not the best choice, but it is what keeps me going and maybe allows me to heal a little bit before the full reality of another loss hits me.

So I moved quickly that morning. Phone calls made, showered, dressed and ready to leave so I could be at Dr. D's office at 9am. My husband was meeting me there.